SSU October 19, 2008

I arrived in St. Stephens last evening for my final module at SSU. It was with a mixture of joy and sorrow that I rode into town across the international bridge between the US and Canada. The source of joy was the renewal of relationships that I was about to experience, spending time again with those whom I had shared the pleasure of learning and growing. Those intimate and vulnerable times that we shared together in our contemplative classes was a remarkable bonding experience. Inevitably, our fears and sources of pain would emerge in those quiet moments of waiting in God's presence. Sharing your own and hearing those of others created a connection between us that is hard to explain. It somehow created family. The thought of being with that family again makes me smile on the inside and the outside.

I also have a pleasurable expectation of meeting new friends. One of the biggest changes that has occurred in me over these past two years of attending SSU is an increased openness and acceptance of others. The acceptance that I have received in the process has gradually worked its way into my own heart. You can only be truly accepting when you have experienced acceptance yourself, for exactly who and what you are. I actually anticipate making new friends in this module. That is nothing short of a miracle. I generally prefer a book and a quiet corner. However, the enrichment I have received from the relationships I have made here have created a hunger in me for more of the same. In some ways, I feel like I am jumping into the deep end of the pool without my "floaties" on, scared stiff but really wanting to swim on my own.

My sorrow stems from the fact that this is my last module. Unless God has a plan that I am unaware of at this point (which is altogether probable), this will be my last trip to St. Stephens. The thought of not seeing these people again makes everything in me "droop." It seems we constantly live in such tension. Joy and sorrow, rest and stress...occurring almost simultaneously. We certainly are "fearfully and wonderfully made," our capacity to experience these emotions in the same breath.

In some sense, I grieve thinking of not being in the learning environment that exists here. My first experience of that almost two years ago now was like a shot of cocaine. The addiction took hold and I had to feed it! Hence, many miles traveled and several thousand dollars spent I have continued to get my fixes. Though I may not be making anymore trips to St. Stephens, the addiction remains. I am sure God will provide me with a new "dealer."

As we drove up yesterday from Bangor through the northern countryside of Maine, the burning colors of Fall reminded me that changing seasons is a part of life. The brilliant greens of summer had given way to the flaming reds and oranges of autumn. These would soon give way to the bare branches of Winter. It is inevitable. The cycle of life continues. However, unlike the predictable cycles of the season, I do not know what the next season holds for me. That brings a certain measure of excitement and expectation accompanied with an equal measure of uncertainty. Yet I have walked with Him long enough to know that whatever the season before me it will contribute to the growth he desires.

For now I will enjoy and cherish, perhaps more than any of my other modules, these next two weeks. I want to fully live in each moment and receive the life that each one offers. In fact, that sounds like a pretty good recipe for life in general. Who knows. This experience my actually rub off on me. The changes I have experienced give me hope that I may yet experience the changes I seek.